Let go and let God

After two months of vegging out and doing whatever I want (i.e. working and hanging out with friends), I made the decision a couple weeks ago to commit to the core team at my home parish. It was a big decision for me to get back into ministry, but it was something I needed to do. I spent the entire day today at a training with the other adults who are on the core team. We spent a lot of time watching videos and learning about LifeTeen, since the parish is just making the transition. Having just been a youth minister at a LifeTeen parish, it was a little bit of a challenge for me to sit through a bunch of videos I’d already seen and used for training for my own core team. There were many points in the day where I was struggling to stay focused. There were also many times when I felt like I knew the content better than those who were presenting and wanted to say something. However, I didn’t. I kept my mouth shut, or at least I tried. And instead of trying to take over the meeting and show off all my knowledge I repeated the Jesus prayer to myself over and over.

Before lunch, we had an opportunity to sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament for about a half hour. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in front of Jesus in that way. I was overwhelmed by distractions: texts from friends, my grumbling stomach, the time, pretty much anything that would keep me from focusing on Jesus. Instead of giving into them though, I took off my watch, turned off my phone, and prayed a decade of the rosary. During that decade, I was overwhelmed by how much I want to control things and how much the fact that I have no control right now is driving me crazy. I realized that the fact that my plan to move out and in with some of my friends failing is making me really sad and jealous. I realized that being on a core team after being a youth minister for two years is going to challenge me beyond what I expected.

I walked in to the training today expecting to learn nothing, except maybe more about the new youth minister and my fellow core members. But I left with a challenge from Jesus. I am a control freak and I need to learn how to let go and let God take control. And while surrendering in a big way is necessary and important, it’s not something that can only be done once. I realized today that I need to make that decision to let God take control every day and sometimes multiple times a day or even multiple times an hour. I spent that half hour of adoration repeating over and over again, I surrender it all to You. I want that prayer to be said with every beat of my heart. Ultimately, all I want is what the Lord wants for my life, or at least I want to want what He wants. And the only way to get there is to keep surrendering every little bit to Him. Praise God for giving me such amazing opportunities to surrender to Him and also serve Him. I am so excited to get back into ministry, even with the struggles. There is nothing that brings me greater joy than to bring Christ to others.

Never Alone

Today I decided to try daily Mass at a different church. So I went downtown for a noon Mass at a church I’ve never been to before. I was sitting there praying and reflecting before Mass, just admiring the beauty of the Church, and waiting for one of my friends to show up. She joined me in the pew about five minutes before Mass was supposed to start. I kept praying and focusing and then more time went by – we sat there for probably fifteen minutes waiting. At first I thought maybe the priest was hearing a confession in the back (he wasn’t, he actually didn’t exist, there wasn’t a priest present). After another five minutes, I started getting anxious sitting there. I wanted Mass to start so badly.

While I was sitting there anxiously awaiting Mass I started reflecting on waiting and how difficult it is for me. I am not a very patient person. I had literally nothing else to do for hours, so it’s not like I needed to be out of there at a certain time, but still I was anxious. It reminded me a lot of where I am in my life right now. I am waiting. I’m waiting for clarity about my future. And when I sit and think about it I get super anxious.

What I realized was that while I was waiting for Mass, Jesus was there in the tabernacle just waiting for me to acknowledge Him. He was with me the entire time. While I was waiting for Him to come in the Mass, He was literally waiting with me. He was right there. In the same way, He is waiting with me now. He doesn’t just abandon us when things get difficult. Even when we’re waiting for Him to reveal Himself to us, He’s there with us giving us the strength to keep waiting. I just realized today in a deeper way how much the Lord is faithful. I can’t feel Him or see Him with me in this chaos and confusion, but He’s here with me, holding my hand, until I’m ready to hear what He has in store for me.