Let go and let God

After two months of vegging out and doing whatever I want (i.e. working and hanging out with friends), I made the decision a couple weeks ago to commit to the core team at my home parish. It was a big decision for me to get back into ministry, but it was something I needed to do. I spent the entire day today at a training with the other adults who are on the core team. We spent a lot of time watching videos and learning about LifeTeen, since the parish is just making the transition. Having just been a youth minister at a LifeTeen parish, it was a little bit of a challenge for me to sit through a bunch of videos I’d already seen and used for training for my own core team. There were many points in the day where I was struggling to stay focused. There were also many times when I felt like I knew the content better than those who were presenting and wanted to say something. However, I didn’t. I kept my mouth shut, or at least I tried. And instead of trying to take over the meeting and show off all my knowledge I repeated the Jesus prayer to myself over and over.

Before lunch, we had an opportunity to sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament for about a half hour. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in front of Jesus in that way. I was overwhelmed by distractions: texts from friends, my grumbling stomach, the time, pretty much anything that would keep me from focusing on Jesus. Instead of giving into them though, I took off my watch, turned off my phone, and prayed a decade of the rosary. During that decade, I was overwhelmed by how much I want to control things and how much the fact that I have no control right now is driving me crazy. I realized that the fact that my plan to move out and in with some of my friends failing is making me really sad and jealous. I realized that being on a core team after being a youth minister for two years is going to challenge me beyond what I expected.

I walked in to the training today expecting to learn nothing, except maybe more about the new youth minister and my fellow core members. But I left with a challenge from Jesus. I am a control freak and I need to learn how to let go and let God take control. And while surrendering in a big way is necessary and important, it’s not something that can only be done once. I realized today that I need to make that decision to let God take control every day and sometimes multiple times a day or even multiple times an hour. I spent that half hour of adoration repeating over and over again, I surrender it all to You. I want that prayer to be said with every beat of my heart. Ultimately, all I want is what the Lord wants for my life, or at least I want to want what He wants. And the only way to get there is to keep surrendering every little bit to Him. Praise God for giving me such amazing opportunities to surrender to Him and also serve Him. I am so excited to get back into ministry, even with the struggles. There is nothing that brings me greater joy than to bring Christ to others.

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