Holy Thursday

“Do you realize what I have done for you?” John 13:12

Jesus asked me this directly tonight at Mass for Holy Thursday. The entire time I was overwhelmed with how deep and extravagant the Lord’s love for me is. He chose this suffering to save me. He chose to be betrayed by one of His closest friends in the Garden for my sake. Jesus was whipped and stripped and humiliated because He wanted to give me the opportunity to be with Him in Heaven. He walked all the way to Golgotha falling, being ridiculed, and finally being nailed to the cross, out of love for me. Jesus chose to die so that we would never have to be separated. And He left the Eucharist so that even now, when we are separated we really aren’t. Jesus loves me so much that He made it possible for us to never be apart. That’s some intense love.

Do we really realize what Jesus has done for us?

Mass of the Lord’s supper tonight was the perfect reminder for me that all of this is about love. It was also the much needed reminder that I actually desire to give a full gift of self back to the Lord. He did so very much for me. He sacrificed everything out of love for me. And my response must be to give everything back, for me that means entering the convent, but we’re all called to respond.

As the altar was stripped tonight, let us strip our hearts. Let us prepare for the events of tomorrow and allow what Jesus did for us to really sink in. He did everything for us, what are we going to do?

The Lord is Merciful

In the Gospel today, Jesus is with His disciples and He tells them, “My children, I will be with you only a little while longer. You will look for me, and as I told the Jews, ‘Where I go you cannot come,’ so now I say it to you.” Peter asks Jesus where He is going and Jesus responds similarly. Then Peter says, “Master, why can I not follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.” Jesus responds, “Will you lay down your life for me? Amen, amen, I say to you, the cock will not crow before you deny me three times.” (John 13:31-33, 36-38)

I sat reflecting on this part of the Gospel for some time this morning. I realized that I am Peter. He was so passionate in that moment with the Lord that he committed to laying his life down. He didn’t want Jesus to leave him behind. He wanted to be able to follow the Lord wherever He was going. In a similar way, I desire to give my heart completely to the Lord. I want to lay down my life for Him, which is part of the reason I’m entering the convent.

This is all well and good but that’s only the beginning of the story. Exactly what Jesus says, in response to Peter’s desire to lay down his life, for him happens. Peter denies Christ three times. And it’s not like it’s any old day either. Peter denies Jesus during the most trying time of His life. Christ is on His way to His death and Peter, one of His closest friends denies Him. And Christ knew this all along. He knew that Peter would deny Him. Jesus still chose Peter to be His disciple and eventually the first Pope. Just because He knew that Peter would fail Him didn’t stop Him from calling Him to be better. It also didn’t stop Jesus from loving Peter.

Like Peter, I want to follow the Lord. I desire to lay down my life for Him. But also like Peter, I fail to follow through. I commit to giving everything to the Lord but I deny Him by choosing other things over Him all the time. The Lord knew that I would fail Him before I was even born. But He still chose me. He still loves me and calls me to follow Him. He gave me the Sacrament of Reconciliation so that when I fall I have a way to ask for forgiveness and receive His mercy that is always waiting. It’s something I often forget. But it’s so important to remember the Lord’s love for me. It’s also important to remember that we aren’t the only ones who have failed. The disciples messed up too and Christ still chose them. And if Christ still forgave Peter for denying Him when He was on His way to the cross, Jesus will forgive me as well.

When worry takes over

I really like to be in control. Maybe it’s because I’m the oldest child and I always got to do everything first, I set the rules, I was the boss to my siblings, but I think all of us like to be in at least a little control. I am also a planner. I really like to know what I’m doing in advance and get places on time, maybe even a little early. At different points of my life I’ve been more or less in control of my life, in the direction I was headed or not headed.

When I started discerning, seriously discerning religious life, there was a sacrifice of control. To discern means to enter into a discussion with God and to be open to what He desires and sometimes it’s not what we desire. In the beginning of my journey that was really difficult for me. I had to learn how to let go of my own desires. And that has continued throughout this entire process. When I started the application process, I was showing interest in the community, but I had to let go of control because I had no say in the outcome. All I could do was be myself, pray, and hope that things would work out. When I was asked to wait a year, I really had to let go of control. I had to allow for my plans to be changed and I had no way to make things go the way I wanted them to.

In the last couple of days, I’ve been reminded of my desire to be in control and how it’s been taking over my life as of late. A lot of intense things have happened to me in the last year. I think part of my reaction to that and processing of everything that has gone on is that I’ve been trying to take control of everyone and everything. It also helps that I know where I’ll be living next year instead of still not being sure.

I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself to fix situations that are out of my control. I’ve been worrying about my friends and family and how they will feel when I leave in May. I’ve been letting myself be consumed by every little bad thing that happens and trying to find a way to fix it myself.

It got to the point that last week while I was on vacation with my sister, driving in an unknown area, I was so tense and stressed that my sister had to give me a pep talk to talk me down from panicking (she may not have know that’s what she was doing, but it was). I wanted so badly to be in control of the situation, to know exactly where I was going, but I couldn’t, in that instance I had to trust that my GPS would get me to the right place and that if it didn’t we would be able to figure our way around.

The day after we got back from our trip, I went to Stations of the Cross. At my parish they offer Adoration and benediction following the stations. It’s usually just five minutes in front of the Blessed Sacrament but it’s a great way to end Stations. Anyway, during those five minutes I was overwhelmed by all of my worries and concerns, everything that was crashing back into my mind now that I was back from vacation. In that moment of chaos, the Lord spoke to me using a very well known story. One verse came to my mind, “you are worried about many things, you have need of only one thing.” It’s from the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). It was just the smack in the face that I needed. Jesus was telling me to stop worrying and to focus on Him. It was very similar to my sister telling me to stop freaking out and reminding me to trust the GPS.

I met with my spiritual director this week and he helped me to see how my desire to be in control has been affecting my relationship with Christ. By trying to be in control, I’ve been closing myself off to the Lord. I’ve been saying: I can do this on my own. I don’t need Your help. I can save myself. But that’s just not true, that is why the worries never go away. I can’t save myself. Jesus is the only one who can save me, and He already did by dying on the cross. So today I took some time to surrender my worries and concerns over to the Lord as I have so many times before. It’s a continuous process, but I’m committed to letting the Lord take control. He wants what is best for me, even when I can’t see it. He uses every little good or bad thing that happens to me for my good. So there is no reason to worry. That doesn’t mean I won’t, but it does mean I’m going to practice every day surrendering to the Lord and I hope you will too because life with Christ is a beautiful adventure.