Perseverance

Many different people have spoke to me about perseverance. It’s a word that is tossed around a lot. I hear it referenced when people are struggling with a variety of issues. I’ve been encouraged to persevere in my vocation by my youth minister. The first time I heard it I don’t think I really understood what the word meant. I mean I knew the meaning, to stick it through during difficult times, but I didn’t really understand what it meant for me in this situation. The definition of perseverance is “steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.”

Over the past couple month I’ve really been struggling with spiritual desolation, feeling distant from God. And in the midst of that, I’ve been confronted with a lot of questions about my plans for my future. I wake up in the morning and I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t feel like going to Mass, I even think about walking out in the middle sometimes. I go to work and I’m not motivated. I spend time in prayer but really just write complaints in my prayer journal about all that’s going on and get no real response.

What I’ve been realizing more and more is how important it is that I persevere. It would be MUCH easier to give up. I trick myself into thinking sometimes that I would even be happier if I just gave up on this path and lived my life as society is telling me to. But, I know that isn’t true. I know that to find true happiness I have to give of myself, totally and completely. I know that even though I don’t always feel like getting out of bed or going to work or praying, it is still important that I do it.

Part of living the Christian life is dealing with difficulty and what defines us is not that we struggle but how we deal with that struggle. Love isn’t about a feeling, even though that’s what we’re tricked into thinking. Love is a choice. Perseverance is also about a choice. It’s the choice not to give up when things get rough. When you know something is really important, when you love someone, you don’t give up just because things get tough. Perseverance is the key to this journey.

It’s hard, but I’m not going to give up. I am going to keep fighting the good fight. I’m not always sure that religious life is where the Lord wants me, but I know that I have to try it. I know that the Lord wouldn’t have brought me this far to leave me in the dust all by myself. I know that He is with me even when I can’t feel Him. I know that His love for me is immeasurable. I know that because of these truths I must persevere. I will not give up.

God Alone Suffices – St .Teresa of Avila

One of my good friends introduced me to St. Margaret of Cortona yesterday. She was a third order franciscan. So pretty relatable as the T.O.R. in Franciscan Sisters T.O.R. of Penance of the Sorrowful Mother stands for third order. My friend shared with me this quote of her’s:

“In times of desolation, God conceals Himself from us so that we can discover for ourselves what we are without Him.”

Its such a powerful quote. And I was kind of smacked in the face as my friend was sharing it. I’ve really been going through a lot of struggles in my prayer, feeling distant from God, and really attacked by the evil one – all of this I would put in the category of desolation. So this quote was really poignant for me. My immediate though when I heard it was: I really don’t like who I am without Him. I can’t do anything without Him. I’ve kind of been reflecting on this quote the entire day and a thought crossed my mind a little bit ago about the truth in that statement. I can’t do anything without Him. I fail without Him. I am nothing without God. I literally wouldn’t exist without Him.

Taking it deeper I started to think about my vocation. A lot of this desolation has been centered around this journey I’m on with the T.O.R.s and so that’s where this quote took root. But if I really feel this awful in a state of desolation, where I truly felt like I couldn’t do anything, I with all my heart desired to be close to the Lord again, to feel Him if even just for a moment to be reminded He actually existed and was with me. If even when the Lord seemed to be far away, I stayed committed and faithful, how could I doubt my relationship with Him?

It seems to me that if so much of my identity and happiness lies in someone why would I question whether I want to spend the rest of my life with Him? If Jesus was a living breathing man whom I was physically able to date and I was so in love with this man that even when we were fighting and struggling, I could think of nothing else than fixing it and growing back together, I would never question my love for him. I would know without a doubt that this man is worth my life. Not only that, knowing that he wasn’t giving up on me, that he was still showing up and listening. What else could I ever want? I would for sure be daydreaming about marrying a man like that. So what’s the difference? The only thing is that Jesus isn’t physically here in human form for me to date. But He does meet me every day, usually more than once a day, in the Eucharist at Mass and in adoration. He listens to me, He inspires me to grow, He challenges me, He comforts me, He is all things for me.

I still have a long journey ahead of me, but I am feeling better about where I am and what I’m doing. I’m starting to see again how this vocation fits into my identity. It’s just this waiting game that is making this more difficult.

Purity of Heart

The Lord has placed a huge desire on my heart to see His face. I long with my whole heart to reach Heaven and the beatific vision. I think this desire is one of the reasons I love adoration of the Blessed Sacrament so much. It’s like looking into the eyes of the Lord. The thing I’m starting to realize is that to accomplish this, to reach this goal, I have to purify myself. I am so unworthy. I need to be pure of heart in order to see the face of my savior and stand in His presence.

“Who may go up the mountain of the Lord? Who can stand in His holy place? The clean of hand and pure of heart.” -Psalm 24:3-4

This is a huge challenge. What does it even mean to be pure of heart? I know that to be pure means to be unblemished. To me that means the Lord is saying that I have to be perfect before I can see Him. And that’s true, that’s kind of the whole point of purgatory – to purify us of our sins before we reach Heaven. But this challenges me a little bit because I want to see the Lord now. I want to be in His presence, feel Him here and now, be in relationship with Him in the present. That’s not a weird request. But if I want that does that mean I have to be completely perfect now? I know that’s not going to happen. I am a sinner. I fail every day to do the Lord’s will in different ways.

So what does it really mean to be pure of heart? Does it actually mean we have to be perfect to see the Lord?

“Pure in heart’ refers to those who have attuned their intellects and wills to the demands of God’s holiness.” -Catechism of the Catholic Church 2518

“Purity of heart is the precondition of the vision of God.” -CCC 2519

If it’s true that I must be pure of heart to see the face of God then I want to get on that immediately. I want to be growing in purity every single day. In that growth I’ll be moving closer and closer to the Lord. I’m still not really sure though how to develop that purity of heart. I know I need to purge myself of sins. Which naturally means visiting the sacrament of Reconciliation often. But it also means praying regularly and seeking to follow the Lord’s will not just in the long term, but in the day to day. The Catechism has an answer:

“Purification of the heart demands prayer, the practice of chastity, purity of intention and of vision.”   -CCC 2532

Growing in purity demands constant vigilance. It means always being aware of my intentions and working every day to follow the Lord. If I desire one day to see the Lord face to face I must commit to this , no matter how difficult it may seem, because the Lord is worth all of the sacrifices and determination I can muster. And the Lord wouldn’t have placed such a deep desire on my heart if it was impossible. So I just have to trust that He will get me there.