I carry a weight with me every day. Some days it’s lighter than others, but it’s always there. It’s been just over a week since my Grandma passed away. We’ve had the visitation and the funeral. She’s been laid to rest. We’ve done everything we’re supposed to do and it’s time for things to get back to normal.
Wednesday, a week after she passed, I went back to work. It was weird being back, it’s always weird going back after not being around for a week, but this was different. My world had literally stopped for six days. I didn’t do anything but sleep, eat, and spend time with my family reminiscing and getting arrangements made. But for everyone else things went on as normal and a lot of the people I work with didn’t know that anything had happened. So they didn’t expect me to be different. But I am.
Maybe not obviously different. I can’t say that anything specific stands out, but I know for a fact that I’ve changed and there is no going back. Losing someone you were close to creates a hole in your heart that can’t be filled. I know that it was time for my Grandma to go. She had suffered for a year with cancer. I know that she is in a better place. My faith gives me hope that she is at rest with our Lord. It’s not that I worry about her salvation or where she has gone, because I know that she lives on. It’s not that I feel like I can’t be happy, because I’ve had moments every day since she’s been gone of pure joy along with the sadness.
There is just this weight that never leaves me, that reminds me she no longer walks this Earth. Time will make it easier to bear, but it will never go away. It’s a pain that I will bear for the rest of my life until I see her again in Heaven. It hides behind every emotion and everything I do. It might not be obvious to someone who sees me every day, and that’s okay, but it’s there.
Yes, it’s time for things to get back to normal. But it’s about a new normal. Things can never go back to how they were before she passed away. But with time it won’t feel so weird anymore. I’ll learn how to carry this weight and, whether people know it or not, I’ll know I’m different for having lost an amazing, loving, wonderful Grandmother who loved me so much. But I also have an incredible hope that one day I will be able to see her again in Heaven.