Because He Lives

It’s been almost three weeks now since I was asked to wait a year to enter the convent. It hasn’t gotten much easier since the last time I wrote, but each day the Lord puts different things in my life to help me. He is constantly reminding me that He is with me in this confusion and struggle. In moments of doubt, my initial reaction is to run away from the Lord. But I’m learning to do the opposite. I’m realizing that in those moments I need to be running into the arms of my Father. It is only Him who can calm my fears and bring peace into my heart.

Last night, while praising the Lord with my friends, we sang Because He Lives by Matt Maher. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that song, but last night it was exactly what I needed to hear. Particularly this verse:

“Because He lives I can face tomorrow. Because He lives every fear is gone. I know He holds my life my future in His hands.”

You see, I just started working two part time jobs. One of which, I work alongside my little sister. It’s at a store that I worked at in college. I’m still living with my parents. I am asked almost daily what my plans for the future are. My grandma is still very sick and facing the end of her life. One of my close friends moved away. Summer means my friends who live in town are really busy and out of town a lot. Each day is a challenge for me.

In a lot of ways, I have gone backward. I had that full time job. One that could provide for me enough money to move out and live independently. It gave me purpose. It was where I found my identity. When someone asked me what I did for a living I could answer proudly. I could tell them stories about how the Lord was working through me. My life had meaning. I was pretty sure I had discerned my vocation and was on my way to living it out. Everything was going great.

And then one phone call changed everything. My plans were wrecked. And yet, here I am. I’m still breathing. I still have amazing family and friends who support me and love me regardless of where I work or whether I know my vocation or not. When I wake up and feel like I have no reason to get out of bed, when I am struck with so much panic and fear about my future that I struggle to breathe, when I want to hide and run away from everyone including the Lord, I have to remember:

“Because He lives I can face tomorrow. Because He lives every fear is gone. I know He holds my life my future in His hands.”

I may have no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing. I may feel worthless. But ultimately, the Lord makes it possible for me to continue on. He holds me in the palm of His hand. He knows every fear, every doubt, every struggle I have and He loves me still. Everything may be going wrong, but because Jesus lives I am able to get out of bed and face each day with renewed strength. For in my weakness I am made strong. He is perfecting me through these struggles. It hurts now, but I know it will be worth it in the end. Because He lives I can face tomorrow.

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