It’s been almost a month since I last wrote. Things have been crazy. Everything is wrapping up. My last Life Night with my teens was this past Sunday. I only have two and a half weeks left as youth minister. One of my good friends is preparing to move away. Lots of changes are happening within my friend group. I’ve been so overwhelmed by all the change that I’ve been hiding from God. I’ve been hiding from silence, letting distractions take over during prayer, focusing on logistics during Mass, and doing everything I can to keep myself from dwelling on the changes. I’ve turned into this bitter person who is just angry a lot. But really, I’m not angry. I’m just really sad.
There are too many endings happening right now. I’m confronted with the reality of what I am going to have to do when I eventually enter the convent, whether that is this Fall or next year. There are going to be a lot of goodbyes and it’s going to be extremely difficult to leave behind everything. I never thought it was going to be easy, but I don’t think I realized how much it was going to hurt until I tasted just a little bit. And this little taste is making me want to run and hide. But I can’t do that. The cross always feels incredibly heavy and impossible to keep up when we’re trying to throw it away. But when we finally embrace our cross and accept it, then we find the joy of Christ. It is then that we can continue on.
“Jesus will never let the Cross crush you; on the contrary it will lift you up toward Heaven. It is no longer you who will carry it; it is the Cross which will carry you.” -I Believe In Love by Father Jean C.J. d’Elbee
My goal is to embrace that cross. To unite my suffering to His whom my heart loves. I’m realizing that hiding from God in these moments just makes the pain worse. And maybe that’s why I hide because I’m not ready to not hurt anymore. But that’s just silly. When we let the Lord in He can bring great things from our pain. So, Lord, take it all. Teach me how to suffer out of love for you and for souls.