Listen, O daughter

There has been a lot going on in my life lately. My grandma has been seriously sick and in the hospital, I have come clean to all of my coworkers and the students I minister to, and I’ve been working normally. I’ve been so busy I haven’t had a lot of time to process through the things that have been happening. One thing that keeps rolling through my mind is how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do.

With my grandma in the hospital, my entire Dad’s side of the family has come together to help support her and each other. I’ve seen more of them these past two weeks than we ever see of each other. It’s been great getting to hang out and share good memories and support each other. I also have had a ton of support from my friends. Over this past year or so, we’ve built this awesome community of people who have completely changed my life. These people have become like family and have been supporting me in this difficult time like brothers and sisters.

I am so blessed. And yet my thoughts keep creeping in and ruining these wonderful moments of community and support. I am leaving in a few months to enter the convent and that means I will be leaving all of these amazing people behind. Will I have to say goodbye to them forever, maybe not, but maybe some of them I will. No matter what it’s hard for me to think about leaving all of this behind when I’ve been waiting my whole life for a community such as the one I’m in right now.

Last night I was together with my community of friends and I couldn’t even focus on the conversations people were having because I was so upset by the fact that I won’t have this much longer. I was filled with an overwhelming sadness. It doesn’t make me question my call, but it’s just bringing the reality of the sacrifice I’m making to the forefront of my mind.

Every Monday night my friends and I pray evening prayer together. Last night, the second psalm started out with this:

“Listen, O daughter, give ear to my words: forget your own people and your father’s house. So will the king desire your beauty: he is your lord, pay homage to him.”

Right before we began evening prayer I had been talking to a couple of my friends about my struggles. I was laying everything out there, that I just don’t want to think about leaving all my friends and family behind. And then, in the midst of all my chaos the Lord spoke to me. He reminded me of my call and of the sacrifice that comes with it. He reminded me that I knew of this sacrifice when I said yes to Him.

I know all of this. And I knew it before He spoke so clearly to me, but I needed to hear it again from His mouth. It’s still going to be hard, I may not like it, and it’s going to take the months I have left to really be ready and process through everything, but I’m choosing to trust in the Lord’s plan.

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