This past week I’ve come clean to all of the staff, volunteers, and students I work with about my vocation and the path I am on to enter the convent in seven short months. My immediate family and close friends have known since the day I was accepted to enter and really even before that during this whole process but because I decided to wait until closer to when I would be leaving to tell the students I work with, I had to keep my news under wraps for months. It’s been a whirlwind of emotion these past few months of really coming to terms with my vocation. But more than anything I’ve felt conflicted. It’s hard going into work every day pretending to be one person and then coming home and hanging out with my friends and family and being a different person. For months now I’ve been feeling like I’ve been hiding myself from half my world. And in just a week I’ve been completely set free.
It was an interesting process. The week was full of ups and downs because I told each group of people on a different day. Each time I mentally prepared myself to share my news my heart would tense up and I would be filled with intense anxiety. I would spend what felt like forever just focusing in on my breathing and repeating over and over, “Jesus, I trust in you.” When it finally got to the time to spill the beans I would look at anything except the people’s faces and blurt out my news to varied reactions. Each time was different. Each group reacted in different ways. But my reaction was the same every time. As soon as I shared, my heart and my mind became totally calm and I was engulfed with an overwhelming peace. I’ve felt this peace before, in each step of my discernment and application process as I gave things over to the Lord and trusted Him to guide me in the right direction.
In discernment, the best way to know whether you are in God’s will is to follow the peace. And I’ve been so comforted by that fact this past week. It’s been a huge roller coaster ride each day worrying about how a different group of people would react but the peace I’ve felt each time has been amazing. The Lord is confirming once again for me that I am on the right path, that I am right where He wants me. And that is a wonderful feeling.
While I’m still not ready to leave for the convent tomorrow, I’m starting to get closer to that place. I know I have a lot of formation to go through and trust to build up but I am so happy that I can finally speak freely in all areas of my life about this amazing and wonderful journey the Lord has put me on.