I don’t have anything super profound to say today, but I still felt like I needed to get this out. I’ve been realizing in the past week or so how a lot of my reluctance about this way of life I’m choosing comes from fear. This fear is creeping into all parts of my life. I have been overwhelmed by anxiety. And the fear is so powerful. It’s crippling. It causes me to shy away from important and necessary conversations with family members. It keeps me from sharing my difficulties in prayer and my doubts with my friends. This fear has a huge grip on me and I can’t wiggle out of it.
After reflecting on this fear, I am recognizing that it isn’t coming from me. These thoughts that are influenced by my fear of the unknown are not true reasons to be doubting my vocation. I am being attacked in my most vulnerable state because the evil one doesn’t want me to keep faithful to the Lord, he wants me to fall into his grasps. And some days, unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, I do fall into his grasps. But I am trying, every day, to grab the Lord’s hand and pull myself out of the darkness into the light of His love.
I may not be worthy of this vocation and I may not know exactly what I enjoy doing every day. I may not be 100% sure that this is the way the Lord is calling me. But, He wouldn’t have gotten me this far if He didn’t want me to at least try it out. Plus, I know I have a desire for Him. And that desire doesn’t come from me, it comes from Him. So there must be something there, no matter how much the fear makes me question everything.
The beautiful thing about the Lord is He knows that fear cripples us. That’s why He reminds me in His Word to “be not afraid”. He also says, “perfect love casts out fear.” (1 John 4:18) He knows the power that fear has over us. The Lord acknowledges that we will struggle and that is why He gives us these little nuggets of Truth. I’m slowly coming to recognize His little nudges each and every day that call me to Him. I refuse to let this fear control my life. I will cling to the Lord and let Him overcome this fear with His overwhelming love for me.