It’s interesting how only a few days can change my mentality completely. I’ve really been reflecting this past week or so on why I am pursuing a vocation as a religious sister. I had really started to question my motives and was struggling to see the good in the situation. I received a letter today from my youth minister and everything kind of clicked back into place. I had been reading and really reflecting for the past week but this letter just connected all the dots. In the letter was a song suggestion: You Have Me by Gungor.
So many of the lyrics from the song point perfectly to where I was and where I am now.
“I thought I had seen the end, everything broken. But you were there still. Always faithful, always good. You still have me, you still have my heart. You have me. You have my heart completely.”
I was in an awful place after I was accepted just a few weeks ago. I was questioning everything, especially my motives. I couldn’t see why I would want to choose this vocation. All I could see was the struggles and sacrifices I will be making. I couldn’t see past those. Over this past week, I’ve been reflecting on the book “…And You Are Christ’s” by Thomas Dubay. The book talks about the charism of virginity and the pure gift of self that it entails. It mentions the freedom that comes along with consecration. It talks about the beauty of the relationship between the consecrated person and the Lord. I started to remember, by reading this, why I chose to apply. I am not content with how I am currently living. I want to grow closer to the Lord. Not just that though, I can’t imagine how I would be able to love the Lord as much as I want to by being married. My heart was created to love the Lord alone above all else. At least that’s how I feel.
Another reminder today was from the homily at Mass this morning. The reading was the one from 1 Corinthians that is always read at weddings about love being perfect. Anyway, the priest focused on something that really hit home: love is not selfish. By keeping my heart to myself and choosing the easier path of staying where I am and living in the world I would be acting selfishly. I would be making that decision not out of love but out of fear and cowardice. But, I love the Lord and so I can’t be selfish with my heart. I have to give myself wholly and completely to the Lord because He has given me so much. As St. Clare so beautifully puts it:
“Totally love Him who gave Himself totally for your love.”
Even now, the Lord is still pursuing me and keeping me on the right track. The verse from my last post is totally true. All I needed to do was stay still and allow the Lord to work on my heart. I know this is just the beginning and I have many trials ahead, but in this moment, I want more than anything to give all of myself to Jesus. I want to live this every day. I want to love selflessly.