So, I’ve really been struggling lately with my vocation. I was accepted by the Franciscan Sisters T.O.R. of Penance of the Sorrowful Mother for entrance on September 2, but since then I have felt uneasy. I expected to feel excited and full of joy and peace. However, I haven’t really felt excited at all. I thought I would want to shout it from the roof tops, but I still shy away from talking to my family and others about my calling. Nothing really has changed with the decision. Actually, my feeling of clarity kind of left me when I learned of the decision.
This lack of excitement has really been bothering me. I was starting to worry that maybe God wasn’t actually calling me to this way of life, that maybe I had gotten it all wrong. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around everything that is happening. However, I had a conversation tonight that brought a little bit of clarity to this messy situation. I was reminded that when we take big steps in our life it makes sense to be scared or uneasy. It’s natural to be afraid of making the leap because we don’t know exactly what is ahead of us and we are afraid of the unknown. Now that this is really happening, it is okay for me to take a step back and look at all the consequences of my decision.
I am making a lot of sacrifices with this decision. There are a LOT of things that I am going to be giving up. I think focusing on those things is what is getting me into all this trouble. I’m finally realizing how little I’ll be able to keep in contact with my family and friends. I’m trying to come to terms with all of the unknowns ahead of me. I am taking a step out onto the water and I’m not really sure what is going to happen next. I can’t see the other side or even the path ahead of me. I literally just see enough to stay standing where I am. I have to trust that the Lord is going to take me by the hand and guide me. A verse came to mind earlier today that I think really describes where I am with the Lord right now.
“The LORD will fight for you; you have only to keep still.” Exodus 14:14
The Lord isn’t asking me to take the next step or even know what to feel. He is asking me to stay put, to relax, and to trust that He is going to show me the way to go. Now I just have to continue developing that trust and dependency on Him.