So I’m currently in the home stretch of this whole application process. I find out in ten days whether I am accepted or not. I think these past few weeks since my application was completely turned in have been the most difficult of this entire process. In the months following the beginning of this process I was so overwhelmed with getting doctor’s appointments made and forms filled out that I didn’t really think about anything beyond the present. I couldn’t because on top of all of the application stuff I was working and doing so other things.
But, since I got back from Steubenville last week this has literally not left my mind for a second. I’ve had instances of total panic both ends of the spectrum, some days I think maybe like would just be a lot easier if I wasn’t accepted – I could pretend like this never happened and go back to living like everyone else. Other days it takes all I have to get through my day to day because I long so deeply to be with the sisters – I freak out thinking that there is a possibility I won’t be accepted. I literally play out what I’ll do after I find out in my head all the time. It’s gotten to the point that it’s all I dream about. I can’t figure out who I’ll call first. I suppose it’ll depend on the answer, but it’s driving me nuts that I don’t even know who I’ll call.
The part of me that thinks about not getting accepted keeps going through all of the reasons why I would not be good for religious life, all of my weaknesses especially my pride. When I think about myself as a sister it’s hard to imagine the self that I am currently. I know that I have SO many things I need to work on. It’s hard sometimes to think I’m anywhere near worthy to even be in this process.
I mean the Lord is asking me to be His BRIDE…who the heck is worthy of that?! The Lord of the Universe, who created EVERYTHING who died on the cross to save us who is all powerful and all knowing and all loving – Jesus – is asking me to be HIS. And it’s amazing and wonderful and I love Him so much (but not enough, you know?) and how could I ever be worthy? I am just a twenty-two year old girl working as a youth minister, who still lives with her parents and can’t afford anything on her own, who still fights with her siblings, and loses her patience. I mean there are so many things that I suck at. I fail all the time. I make stupid choices and care too much about what people think. And yet, even with all of that out in the open, the Lord still calls me and is pursuing me.
It’s hard to think that I’m worthy. And a lot of the time I feel like I’m crazy for even considering this. But in the end I really just want to grow closer to the Lord and live in His will. I choose Him above anything else, even before my own comfort. I love Him and I really just want to choose what He desires.
And so these lyrics from the song Depths of my heart by Francis Cabildo have kind of rang true lately:
“From the depths of my heart I cry to you. What you desire is what I choose, with all that I am and all that I’m not. Lord hear this prayer, from the depths of my heart.”